I keep starting and restarting. The answer to why I keep gaining the weight back eludes me. The fact that I over eat doesn’t elude me, I know that. But why? Maybe it’s because of some horrible thing that happened in my past that I don’t fully understand. Lord knows I have spent many hours sitting in therapy trying to find the answer. And then suddenly emotions bubble up and I don’t want to go back. There is some sort of fear there. Afraid of looking like a doof for crying over something that once I say it, just sounds silly. I guess that’s the power of talking about those things. When you shine the light on it, suddenly the pain you associate with it lessens.
Or maybe I am just hungry? Because that’s how I am feeling right now. The experts all say that you should eat when you honestly feel hungry. I honestly feel hungry. But I know that I am not supposed to be hungry. I ate a sensible meal and snack. My stomach is growling at me saying, “You evil wench! I wan’t the things you won’t give me!”
I am babbling. Not entirely focused on what I am writing. Just getting things out. I did well when I was committed to writing. I did well when I didn’t let the little things take over my thoughts. I did well when I worked out and ate right.
Time to start this over. Maybe with a new blog? But what’s that going to do? I can come here to see my accomplishments and my progress and setbacks.
Days go by
And still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
-Days Go By / Dirty Vegas
I find there are so many days that go by where I kick myself in the ass over and over about not checking in here. I need you. I need the support I get here, and when I turn my back on posting what’s going on you should know it’s because I am overwhelmed with crap.
I am not apologizing for anything. I haven’t made horrible choices. I have just not been consistent. I miss Zumba. I miss being psoriasis free. I miss making fabulous meals I feel good about feeding myself and my family. I miss waking up fresh and not sluggish. Sigh.
I also struggle with dealing with some friends comments regarding my diet, or some of my blog posts. I know deep down they support me and want to see me succeed, but on the other hand I feel judged which doesn’t feel good. I feel good for a minute, and being an addict I struggle with everything. It doesn’t matter if I am following a Paleo diet or a clean living diet, or even just eating moderately. I am an addict and I am sick. I use food as a comfort for illness, sadness, anger, or anything I encounter in my life.
I got it out. And again, for the umpteenth time, I start fresh.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I do often admit to having problems, some of them are heavy like admitting I am an alcoholic and addict. Other problems are “First World Problems” like being addicted to apps on my multiple electronic devices. And then some are middle of the road problems, like being a mild hoarder and predictable procrastinator. I have admitted I have those problems multiple times in my life, and yet I ignore that I am falling back into these patterns when I do start show signs of old behaviors. Today, I caught myself and instead of tackling the issue head on, I am procrastinating yet again by making this post. But I am admitting publicly that I indeed have a problem.
Today started out great. Woke up early, played some SongPop (one of my app addictions), talked to the youngest child, watched the birds torment the cats, then decided it was such a beautiful day and my carpets had just been cleaned, I would straighten up around the house a bit. Totally sounds like I have my shit together, right? You are about to see just how wrong in my “clean up around the house” thought process is as I take you on this photo journey.
Here is my daughters room, with beautifully clean carpets. (Thank you Imperial Services for a job well done! If you live in the Sonoma area, I highly recommend them)
So here is where my detour begins. In the clean room, I have decided to vacuum the carpet (which I have vacuumed daily since we had our carpets cleaned on Wednesday) and tidy up the stickers on the wall. Mind you, it is now Sunday. My child has either slept on the floor in the dining room under the table (her choice!!!) or on the couch, waiting to get the room reorganized. That’s fine. Husband and I work different schedules, we need to work together, so tonight we will put the room back together. At least the carpets are cleaned and the walls are ready. Oh, I better empty this vacuum container.
Outside, emptying the vacuum I see the filter should be cleaned. It’s one of those that you rinse to clean, so I pull out the hose to clean it out. While cleaning out the filter I start looking around the backyard and noticed the chairs we had just recently repainted were filthy. I got out my scrub brush and scrubbed those suckers clean.
Now I am a mess of dirt and my pants and shoes are wet, so I need to take a shower. Plus, I have to run out to pick up the oldest child from a sleep over, so I might as well take a short break for now. While I was in the shower I started thinking about how I could make a post out of my successful morning of cleaning and organizing. So when I got back I decided to tackle the next item on my list (which I added to the list when I got out of the shower because it’s right outside my bathroom door) and take a “before” photo with a silly look on my face. You know, because it’s silly and artsy.
And then it hit me. Maybe it was because I feared what the dust up there would do to me, or maybe it was because I freakin’ realized what the hell I was doing. I was avoiding tackling the biggest gawd damn mess in my house. Remember, we recently had the carpets cleaned and there’s all that furniture in places it’s not supposed to be? Shouldn’t I be putting all the furniture back? But that shit’s hard. Look at what I have to face!
OK, I see I am procrastinating, but when I think about it, I really need the husband to help me move that stuff back where it belongs. But how do I explain this:
Or that I have this giant mess in my garage and have had it there for several months:
And now it’s 3:15pm, and the day is gone, so I guess I will just have to do it tomorrow. Or maybe another day next weekend when I have some time. Or maybe someone will just come over and make it all better and then I can maintain the clean, for like a week or two.
OR, I could just admit I have a problem and take care of this shit now.
Hmmm, I need some tea to help me ponder how to tackle all of this.
Hmm, that sounded threatening. Not my intention, but it’s time to get serious. For many of you this may not be a challenge at all, but for the rest of us this challenge will be a bit of a struggle as well as an eye opener!
Gina’s Healthy Embrace – Challenge #1
WHAT’S THE CHALLENGE?: Beginning 12:00am Tuesday 10/30/2012 and ending 11:59pm Friday 11/2/2012 (Psssssttttt, I won’t be tracking you so if you come across this challenge say in the year 2046, go ahead and take on four days of food tracking…that’s the beauty of these personal challenges!), I challenge you to write down everything you consume over the course of the day. This includes the handful of M&M’s you grab from your co-workers candy dish and that bite of cake you had to taste. Oh, and at this point if you are not comfortable tracking calories or weight, don’t do it. But the more you can track, the more you will learn.
WHY and WHY NOW?: I know I am more successful when I am writing down the foods I am eating. Even if I am not counting the calories, measuring, just being aware of what goes in my mouth (get out of the gutter some of you!!) helps keep my eating in check. Why now? This is the perfect time! We are currently being inundated with bite size candy treats everywhere we turn. Often times we say “Oh, just one won’t hurt.” Then a couple hours go by and “Another one won’t hurt” and then we forget we had the first one and add on more! It’s a deadly cycle. The cycle can be stopped if we write that crap down.
RESULTS: OK, the challenge is for just four days, so you won’t see any weight loss from this challenge, but you will become more aware of what is going on with your daily food choices. Also, you may not eat something you normally would have eaten because you are now thinking about what you are eating, not just eating. HOPEFULLY, after four days we will all understand the benefit of tracking our foods and continue to do so. Even if it’s just through the end of December. These next few holiday months are often the toughest for those of us on the Healthy Bandwagon. There are those people who aren’t on our wagon who are jealous and often try to shoot out our wagon wheels. With the right weapons (food tracking is one!) we can survive.
So, who’s with me! Challenges are more fun when there are people to share their success so we can lean on those successes when we are feeling weak.
Today sucked. I was happy for part of the day, and then the rest of the day was a total waste of time. I resorted to my norm, feeding my flippin’ emotions. I can’t say I went all out and tossed my entire good week out the door but the fact is, I caved to the little voice in my head.
I decided today I wouldn’t let this shit own me and take me out, so I am owning my slip up here, addressing the emotions that were attached to the binge.
First off, I didn’t eat too poorly. I have done far worse in the past, but this ain’t no competition and I don’t want to fall as far as I once did. I had a normal breakfast and then, while at lunch, I ate a little more than I should have at the Mongolian BBQ. Mongolian BBQ is safe in regards to the veggies and meats. I didn’t choose the noodles, which would be off my Anti-Inflammatory Diet plan. The sugar and sodium in the sauce are the big killers. After work, I went to Trader Joe’s to pick up a few items. I did very well, getting berries and such for shakes and salad fixins. Then I circled the cakes and muffins and walked away. Then I circled in closer. And then I picked something up, ran to the checker, got to my car and tore through the top of one of these:
There were two in the package, what you see above is all that remains. Although, the second muffin did find it’s way to my house, it just didn’t survive the hour I was alone in my house with it. Riley (my oldest daughter) said “MOM! You ate the top! The top is bad for you!” I explained the whole muffin is bad for me, and if I was going down, I was taking the good shit with me. (The top had a delightful glaze that was perfect and delicious…no lies)
It is now 9:31pm and I have yet to have a healthy meal. I am not hungry because I am distracted by my guilt and I don’t really know if I should shovel a salad and some protein in my pie hole after eating more than half my days calories in muffin tops. It’s a conundrum.
In the end I need to address why I went to the dark place of binge eating today. I was stressed out from work, but nothing more than my usual job stressors. Maybe I was a little more frustrated than my norm? Though while me and the other two managers headed to the Mongolian BBQ we were acknowledging the possibility that “THAT time of the month” may be among the three of us in the very near future. So, maybe that had something to do with it. I definitely need to learn who to take control of my eating during those days of the month, because they are UGLY food days. But I am not totally sold on either of these being a big part of the blame.
Success. I think my success is to blame here. I just posted yesterday all of my successes. Every time I have celebrated any sort of win I have stumbled. Why is that? I have been to so many counselors/therapists in my life that I know one of the first things they would ask me would be “Do you feel you deserve your success?”. HELL YES! Well then why am I sabotaging myself? I still don’t know that answer. Maybe because I am so comfortable being unhappy that I don’t know what to do with myself being content and happy.
Here I am, no real answer, but at least I know the question. And now, I can check my freakin’ baggage and travel on. But I think I might want to leave this baggage at the airport. I hear they have some nice boutiques where I am going.
I have not yet purchased my ticket, however I have decided I will be attending my 20 year reunion. There were some wonderful arguments made in favor of attending. I know there will be people I would love to catch up with there. Plus, and this is a huge plus, THERE WILL BE DANCING! YAYAYAYYYYY!
I am still dealing with the anxiety of being outside my comfort zone, but I think once I get there and just let myself enjoy the party, I will absolutely enjoy myself.
I will let all know how it goes! Thank you!
(And by the way, the Reunion Blues post brought in the most traffic on my blog by far! ?? Interesting.)
I LOVE the 4th of July. I am a patriotic American to the very depths of my soul. Living in Sonoma we get to enjoy small town Americana through the hometown parade, festivities on our town square, bbq’s/picnics, and then close the evening with the fireworks display.
The day was filled with friends (old and new) and family, as well as good intentions on my part. Our day began with meeting my cousins wife and her two doll faced twins out at the parade. I steered clear of juices, rice crispy treats, and other tasty morsels. I just enjoyed being out with the family and watching the town parade. As the day went on, and I saw the different treats available my stomach started to barter with my brain. The food booths were tempting me with bbq, hot dogs, sno cones, and the list goes on. I was strong, I didn’t give into those temptations. My aunt was nice and invited us all to lunch.
Lunch was a beautiful salad, full of yummy greens, veggies, and tomatoes (uh oh), feta (oi), candied walnuts (sh*@), and a champagne vinaigrette which I didn’t ask for on the side (mu#$a&*c@er). And so began my descent.
It’s like I gave up in one fleeting moment. No, I didn’t give up, I just really relaxed. I felt like I had this shit handled and it was a holiday. Yay for 20%, even though I hadn’t said I was going to be doing 80/20 yet, I just decided on the spot. Lunch was late, and we were planning to hit the field at a local school to watch the fireworks with friends, so we planned a little picnic. Picnic was sliced roast beef, salami(hmmm), fruits, hummus, rice crackers, bread (wtf?), corn on the cob (who do I think I am?), and cheese for my man (I didn’t touch the stuff…smells like feet). Had I stayed clear of the corn and the bread, things would have been fine, but NO! I had to go for it and just enjoy. And so I did, without guilt. I had planned to fall back into place the very next day.
The day after a mid-week holiday is never easy to face. I just had a fabulous time staying up late, watching fireworks, hanging out with friends lighting sparklers (and burning my damn thumb) and I rolled out of bed late. No time for a shake this morning, so I grabbed some fruit and nuts. WORST IDEA EVER! Not only did I not eat my morning shake, I didn’t pack a lunch. Typically when I don’t pack a lunch, I hit up Whole Foods or the salad place and make super good choices. Not July 5th. I don’t even remember what I ate that day because my food journal says “NOTHING GOOD FOR ME” in big squiggly handwriting. Ugh.
A few of those days involved frozen yogurt (I didn’t get crazy with it), a burrito, some chips, and almost an entire bag of salt water taffy. Some of those days I could consider a binge. I did hide in my car and eat an It’s-It one night. But really, most the eating was done as a normal day to day eating habit. Just fell back into some of the wrong ones.
That leads me to where I am today. I am on Day 2 of the Clear Change Metabolic Detoxification as prescribed by my doctor. Tuesday I walked into his office feeling lethargic, nauseous, achy, with a growing patch of psoriasis on my elbow.
It is clear, that even with over 100 days of clean eating, my body is still toxic since it is so quick to react to a bad few days. Pretty much the day after I ate poorly I started getting a small patch of red on my elbow, and it kept growing and then I got sick. So, Dr. Marcus is getting my body straightened out. It will reignite my metabolism, and clear my system.
Please don’t worry, this is not your typical cleanse/detox. I still eat, I just eliminate most foods that can cause reactions in someones body. I look forward to getting this shit out of my system. I look forward to being free of feeling like crap. I look forward to going through my day and looking to food as nourishment instead of the negative feelings I have towards food today.
I survived. I know I was ranting and raving and being totally irrational, but that was me in that moment. I am feeling much better. Training went well, and I can’t wait to be able to walk away from that part of my job. I will finally have some more time to focus on what I am actually hired for, which will in turn reduce my stress levels. I truly believe once I start to leave some stress behind I will also leave additional pounds as well.
I was able to walk past those bits of crazy when suddenly new bits of crazy started to rear their ugly heads. I went to see an old friend today. It was a quick meet up to drop off some stuff for a really great project he is working on, maybe ten minutes of time I expected to spend with said old friend. I was a freakin’ wreck thinking of all the ways I could avoid possibly seeing this person, or of what I would say to this person to play off the fact that I am 14 years older and 50 lbs heavier then the last time I had seen him. Why does it matter? I have no need to impress this person, yet I kept trying to think of reasons I could avoid seeing him so he wouldn’t see how FAT I am. WTF? I POSTED PICTURES OF MYSELF FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!!!!! Um, dude knows how fat I am and could really care less! I am the only person who cares. I need to let go of these narcissistic thoughts. Good lord! People are my friends because of who I am, not because of what I look like.
Moments like these are so eye opening to me. I can’t hide behind alcohol or run to food to make these feelings go away. I just have to live through them and sort them out in my head. This shit is hard, no joke! But it’s Friday, and I am going to let these little crazies go so I can enjoy my weekend.
Things are going along great. At least that’s what I thought, until yesterday when my mood shifted for the worse. I know it’s PMS, but I hate giving so much power to PMS. Hormones are little pissy bitches that just want attention. I won’t give in to them. They want me to throw in the towel with nine days to go? Are they kidding? They want me to be bitchy to everyone (don’t get me wrong. You wrong me and don’t own your bullshit, I have the right to be bitchy) but I won’t give in. I just lay around being lazy and fighting the food battle in my brain.
My cravings have changed. I don’t want to eat as much as I used to when I was like this. I suppose that’s good, but the battle in my head is so bad. It’s practically defeating. And then something like rolling over in my sleep throws out my lower back and I feel even more defeated. I apologize for being overly whiney and depressing, but I needed to get this out. 90 days just isn’t a long enough timeframe to fix me. I am far more broken then what I thought I was when I started. Yes, I am more prepared to accept the challenges and changes then other people, but that doesn’t make me stronger or better at handling those challenges.
So, when I want to hit the kitchen for a binge I have a list of things that I am supposed to do to help keep me from going there. I have tried some, but most times I just wallow in self pity and pray for the desire to pass. It’s been working, but I don’t know how much longer it will. I really need to have those tools in my back pocket ready to use. This last week in regards to working out has been limited to a few crunches, a few late afternoon walks, and trying to get my fudging hip/low back to feel better. Sitting is the worst thing I can do for it. Ten or more minutes in the car, or sitting at work and I have fire shooting down my leg and around my butt cheek. Pretty picture, I know, but it is what it is. I have been using the Tennis Ball Torture method to help. It does work until the muscles start to spasm again. This photo is a fine visual, except I lay on the tennis ball in a tight spot after I have briefly stretched the Piriformis muscle.
There is a far more technical name for this injured muscle, and that is Piriformis. There are tons of strectches out there on the internet you can look up for the Piriformis muscle. It even has a syndrome. I don’t think I have this sydrome, but I did get my degree from the school of WebMD, and I am pretty sure I have come up with the correct diagnosis of not have Piriformus Muscle Syndrome. I just have a pain in the butt.
I am done complaining. I know I will get past this and I am only getting stronger. I know this is hormonal moody bullcrap and in a few days I will be back to myself. But sometimes we are weak, and we need to tell someone, or in my case, anyone who happens to read this blog.
When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in everydirection, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be. ~ Patanjali – the author of Yoga Sutra
For the last few weeks I have been in a mental limbo. I started this journey with one of my closest friends, and when she went into isolation from me, Heather, EA, and the rest of the Project Muffin Top team I started questioning my own reasons for being here. I kept forging ahead by working out, eating right, and keeping in contact with my support group, but in the back of my mind I was disappointed and frustrated and was struggling to keep myself from resorting to bingeing.
Binge eating isn’t something I want to think about or use as an excuse. When my brain stops all logical thought I resort to “stuffing” my emotions. It takes every ounce of self control I have to keep myself from resorting to a binge. There were so many times these last few weeks that I have wanted nothing more than to just eat. I craved the feeling of being numb, which is exactly how I feel when I am bingeing. I am not here, I leave my body for a moment and just eat. I wanted that feeling of not being here, but I fought it. I would circle the grocery store trying to find something I could just sit and eat in the car, and every time I was about to pick up a bag of bagels and tub of cream cheese I caught myself. I told myself the escape would be short lived and I would feel horrible after. Not just sick, but sad, depressed, guilty, etc. Today, I actually gave in to the temptations and purchased french fries. Not really what I wanted, but they were there and I thought it would ‘help’. A large handful of french fries went into my mouth, and instantly I was aware of the choice I was making. Most of all, I was fu&*ing pissed off because they didn’t taste as good as I wanted them too and were not satisfying. I gave them away and sent Heather a text. She was right there with words of encouragement. I am not letting that slip get me down.
I need to make every effort I can to keep myself focused. I am doing this for ME! While I come first, I also love that I am inspiring others as I stumble along trying to reach my goals. Thank you Rachael L. for reminding me of this today. Meeting you this evening helped me realize I have a team of silent cheerleaders who are going through similar struggles. That reminds me, I need to get in touch with a few ladies who have offered to be walking/workout buddies. Aimee and Critter, expect emails soon! I am so taking you up on the offer.
It’s WAYYYYY past my bedtime and I have a date with Heather at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow to walk (rather I will jog while trying to keep up with Heather the power walker). I am still learning to get a full eight hours of sleep a night. Soon, very soon it will happen. Before I go I want to share 10 Strategies to Overcoming Binge Eating. Many are helpful and some I need to remember to do (HELLO FOOD DIARY!! I was sooo good for a hot minute) maybe they could help you too?
Manage stress. One of the most important aspects of controlling binge eating is to find alternate ways to handle stress and other overwhelming feelings without using food. These may include exercising, meditating, using sensory relaxation strategies, and practicing simple breathing exercises.
Eat 3 meals a day plus healthy snacks. Eating breakfast jump starts your metabolism in the morning. Follow breakfast with a balanced lunch and dinner, and healthy snacks in between. Stick to scheduled mealtimes, as skipping meals often leads to binge eating later in the day.
Avoid temptation. You’re much more likely to overeat if you have junk food, desserts, and unhealthy snacks in the house. Remove the temptation by clearing your fridge and cupboards of your favorite binge foods.
Stop dieting. The deprivation and hunger of strict dieting can trigger food cravings and the urge to overeat. Instead of dieting, focus on eating in moderation. Find nutritious foods that you enjoy and eat only until you feel content, not uncomfortably stuffed. Avoid banning certain foods as this can make you crave them even more.
Exercise. Not only will exercise help you lose weight in a healthy way, but it also lifts depression, improves overall health, and reduces stress. The natural mood-boosting effects of exercise can help put a stop to emotional eating.
Fight boredom.Instead of snacking when you’re bored, distract yourself. Take a walk, call a friend, read, or take up a hobby such as painting or gardening.
Get enough sleep. If you’re tired, you may want to keep eating in order to boost your energy. Take a nap or go to bed earlier instead.
Listen to your body.Learn to distinguish between physical and emotional hunger. If you ate recently and don’t have a rumbling stomach, you’re probably not really hungry. Give the craving time to pass.
Keep a food diary.Write down what you eat, when, how much, and how you’re feeling when you eat. You may see patterns emerge that reveal the connection between your moods and binge eating.
Get support. You’re more likely to succumb to binge eating triggers if you lack a solid support network. Talking helps, even if it’s not with a professional. Lean on family and friends, join a support group, and if possible consult a therapist.