I keep starting and restarting. The answer to why I keep gaining the weight back eludes me. The fact that I over eat doesn’t elude me, I know that. But why? Maybe it’s because of some horrible thing that happened in my past that I don’t fully understand. Lord knows I have spent many hours sitting in therapy trying to find the answer. And then suddenly emotions bubble up and I don’t want to go back. There is some sort of fear there. Afraid of looking like a doof for crying over something that once I say it, just sounds silly. I guess that’s the power of talking about those things. When you shine the light on it, suddenly the pain you associate with it lessens.
Or maybe I am just hungry? Because that’s how I am feeling right now. The experts all say that you should eat when you honestly feel hungry. I honestly feel hungry. But I know that I am not supposed to be hungry. I ate a sensible meal and snack. My stomach is growling at me saying, “You evil wench! I wan’t the things you won’t give me!”
I am babbling. Not entirely focused on what I am writing. Just getting things out. I did well when I was committed to writing. I did well when I didn’t let the little things take over my thoughts. I did well when I worked out and ate right.
Time to start this over. Maybe with a new blog? But what’s that going to do? I can come here to see my accomplishments and my progress and setbacks.
But right now, I am hungry.