Changes · Random Spouting and Ranting

I Miss You.

I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed everything about you.  The strength you give me.  The feeling of hope that I can do this.  The accountability.  The things that kept me moving along the path to a healthy life.

So, why do I continue to stray?

Why do I find it so hard to write down my struggles and my successes?  I have thought about this over and over again.  For the last several months, maybe a year.  I ask myself why did I stop?  I think it’s because I wasn’t seeing the results I expected and I didn’t want to face that on a blog, where everyone can read about my failure.  And once I went down that ugly trail of defeat, I actually became defeated.  I have been self sabotaging for the better part of a year.  I do really well, I start to gain strength and lose weight and then I slip.  And when I slip, I fall hard.

I can’t keep coming back to this blog saying, “Here I am again!  Ready to do this!!” when I don’t know if I am ready.  I made a commitment to myself and a friend that I will write as much as I can each morning.  Like the Morning Papers in The Artist’s Way, except I will need to work my way up to three full pages each morning.  I am truly hoping this inspires me to get back to my blog.  The joy it brought me, and the encouragement I received to keep going is something I need back in my life.

Also, I fucking hate the way I am feeling.  So, maybe if I talk more about the feelings I am having, I will stop sabotaging myself when I am enjoying how I feel.

Cheers.  I will be around.  I really should blog about my hot yoga experiences.  And my Shakeology fun.  And how I have been avoiding exercise because it’s HARD AS FUCK to do something that makes your body hurt more than it already does. But those will be topics for another day.  Today I just wanted to say, I miss you.


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