Today sucked. I was happy for part of the day, and then the rest of the day was a total waste of time. I resorted to my norm, feeding my flippin’ emotions. I can’t say I went all out and tossed my entire good week out the door but the fact is, I caved to the little voice in my head.
I decided today I wouldn’t let this shit own me and take me out, so I am owning my slip up here, addressing the emotions that were attached to the binge.
First off, I didn’t eat too poorly. I have done far worse in the past, but this ain’t no competition and I don’t want to fall as far as I once did. I had a normal breakfast and then, while at lunch, I ate a little more than I should have at the Mongolian BBQ. Mongolian BBQ is safe in regards to the veggies and meats. I didn’t choose the noodles, which would be off my Anti-Inflammatory Diet plan. The sugar and sodium in the sauce are the big killers. After work, I went to Trader Joe’s to pick up a few items. I did very well, getting berries and such for shakes and salad fixins. Then I circled the cakes and muffins and walked away. Then I circled in closer. And then I picked something up, ran to the checker, got to my car and tore through the top of one of these:
There were two in the package, what you see above is all that remains. Although, the second muffin did find it’s way to my house, it just didn’t survive the hour I was alone in my house with it. Riley (my oldest daughter) said “MOM! You ate the top! The top is bad for you!” I explained the whole muffin is bad for me, and if I was going down, I was taking the good shit with me. (The top had a delightful glaze that was perfect and delicious…no lies)
It is now 9:31pm and I have yet to have a healthy meal. I am not hungry because I am distracted by my guilt and I don’t really know if I should shovel a salad and some protein in my pie hole after eating more than half my days calories in muffin tops. It’s a conundrum.
In the end I need to address why I went to the dark place of binge eating today. I was stressed out from work, but nothing more than my usual job stressors. Maybe I was a little more frustrated than my norm? Though while me and the other two managers headed to the Mongolian BBQ we were acknowledging the possibility that “THAT time of the month” may be among the three of us in the very near future. So, maybe that had something to do with it. I definitely need to learn who to take control of my eating during those days of the month, because they are UGLY food days. But I am not totally sold on either of these being a big part of the blame.
Success. I think my success is to blame here. I just posted yesterday all of my successes. Every time I have celebrated any sort of win I have stumbled. Why is that? I have been to so many counselors/therapists in my life that I know one of the first things they would ask me would be “Do you feel you deserve your success?”. HELL YES! Well then why am I sabotaging myself? I still don’t know that answer. Maybe because I am so comfortable being unhappy that I don’t know what to do with myself being content and happy.
Here I am, no real answer, but at least I know the question. And now, I can check my freakin’ baggage and travel on. But I think I might want to leave this baggage at the airport. I hear they have some nice boutiques where I am going.