This coming weekend is my 20 year high school reunion. I am not going. The reasons I am not going range from finances to “I DON”T WANNA!”. The organizers have been persistent in asking me to go, and in some ways making me feel guilty about not yet buying my ticket. The conversations are almost always the same:
Reunion Organizer: “You are going to the reunion right?”
Me: “Um, I am still thinking about it.”
Reunion Organizer: “It’s going to be fun! Just go and have fun!”
Me: <with shifty eyes and sweaty palms> “Well, finances are tough and I don’t know if it’s going to be just me or if my husband is going too.”
Reunion Organizer: “Just get your tickets soon. Not many people have sent in their money yet.”
Me: “Uh, OK.” <walk away feeling less than welcome and more needed>
I am sure they really do want my smiling face to attend the reunion, but I can’t help feeling like they just need my money to get their party rolling.
Last year I attended the Class of 1991’s reunion. I helped by checking people in, and was available for any other last minute needs. I enjoyed seeing people I hadn’t seen in years, but spent most of the evening on the dance floor. As the night progressed and the party moved on to the bars, I dropped some people off to continue their party and I went home. I had a great night and rekindled some old friendships. That night I was jazzed about the possibilities for my own reunion. I was eager to be part of the planning committee and make the night a memorable one. One of the organizers started a Facebook group dedicated to our reunion and I saw people jumping in with their own excitement for the reunion.
That excitement totally turned me off. No longer was I giddy to find the perfect DJ, and photo booth, and location. I became a silent member of the facebook group, adding people I knew who were on the MIA list, but nothing more. I started getting sick to my stomach at the thought of trying to make conversation with people I hardly knew any more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look back at high school and think of it as the worst years of my life. I actually quite enjoyed those years, but there is something in me that makes me feel like I don’t need to go. Is it my self esteem that is keeping me home? I don’t know. Last year when I attended the other reunion I was 20lbs heavier, and yet, I had no issue whatsoever with spending my time there.
I know I will be slightly jealous when the photos start getting posted to Facebook, which makes me think I should go. But then the cost starts rolling through my head and then I start thinking there is no way I can go with the cost being as much as it is. I am also remembering seeing a few people who mentioned they would see me at the reunion and feeling excited to see them again when I wasn’t in a rush. But do they outweigh the nagging feeling in my stomach that makes me just want to stay away? It’s a battle I have less than 48 hours to fight.
I think one of the biggest reasons I struggle to make the decision to go or not to go is this:
My bff will not be attending the reunion. She lives in San Diego and won’t be able to make the trip up here to Sonoma for the party. Without her here, it just wouldn’t be the same.
I am still unsure of myself and if I will be attending. I know I will have fun if I just let go of whatever the hell is holding me back. I just need to do it.