My last blog brought up some pretty crazy feelings. Emotions I didn’t want to deal with and would prefer to just shove them aside and bury them. Usually those types of emotions are buried deep with food, and most often they are buried with fast food. The cycle has been nearly impossible to break, until today.
After I posted the blog I went to the grocery store and bought some foods that our family needed and a salad for me to eat when I got home. The entire time I was in the store I was running different scenarios through my head regarding my reunion. What would I say to this person if they asked about…? Oh, if this person says this, I am totally going to say…. I reached the bread aisle and immediately began to reason with myself about why I needed to grab a baguette and some spinach dip to eat on the way home. I could feel the texture of the foods in my head as I made good arguments about how I had been so good for so long. And then I stopped myself. I stood there for a moment and replayed the conversation I had just had with myself.
You have lost two pounds this week, and you didn’t really have a good lunch, so the baguette and spinach dip will be fine.
But my psoriasis has been pretty bad since I stopped have my regular shakes and started eating more sugars and breads.
One time in a week is not going to kill you.
The last line is what got me. These foods are killing me. The more breads and sugars I eat the more my psoriasis flares up and the depression starts to settle back in. I lose interest in exercise and being active in general. I start to beat myself up, and thus beginning a horrible cycle of food addiction. I wasn’t going to allow myself to fall back into these patterns again. I quickly finished my shopping and walked to my car.
Walking to the car I realized I was a little bit thirsty, but I hadn’t purchased myself any beverages at the store, but there was a McDonald’s in this same parking lot. Again, I started to reason with myself.
Just go through the drive thru and get just an iced tea, you can do that. Oh, well, while you’re there just grab a wrap too. That’s not too many calories.
No, I don’t need a wrap, but the iced tea might be nice. Just the iced tea.
They have chicken sandwiches for $1! You just get that and maybe a fry and your iced tea. Dinner is done, and you save your salad for tomorrow.
It is such a deal, $3 and I get all that food…wait, that food is what got me here…NO! I WILL NOT GO THROUGH THE DRIVE THRU!
I backed out of my space and drove straight out of the parking lot. I looked as I drove past and saw a lady sitting in the parking lot eating in her car. I saw her quickly putting the burger and fries in her mouth as she looked around at the other cars. I recognized her shame as a shame I have felt myself many, many times as I sat in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant, eating my food so no one knew. It’s a shame I didn’t put myself through tonight, and I promise myself I won’t do it again. I have too much to live for, I don’t need to hide in shame.