I survived. I know I was ranting and raving and being totally irrational, but that was me in that moment. I am feeling much better. Training went well, and I can’t wait to be able to walk away from that part of my job. I will finally have some more time to focus on what I am actually hired for, which will in turn reduce my stress levels. I truly believe once I start to leave some stress behind I will also leave additional pounds as well.
I was able to walk past those bits of crazy when suddenly new bits of crazy started to rear their ugly heads. I went to see an old friend today. It was a quick meet up to drop off some stuff for a really great project he is working on, maybe ten minutes of time I expected to spend with said old friend. I was a freakin’ wreck thinking of all the ways I could avoid possibly seeing this person, or of what I would say to this person to play off the fact that I am 14 years older and 50 lbs heavier then the last time I had seen him. Why does it matter? I have no need to impress this person, yet I kept trying to think of reasons I could avoid seeing him so he wouldn’t see how FAT I am. WTF? I POSTED PICTURES OF MYSELF FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!!!!! Um, dude knows how fat I am and could really care less! I am the only person who cares. I need to let go of these narcissistic thoughts. Good lord! People are my friends because of who I am, not because of what I look like.
Moments like these are so eye opening to me. I can’t hide behind alcohol or run to food to make these feelings go away. I just have to live through them and sort them out in my head. This shit is hard, no joke! But it’s Friday, and I am going to let these little crazies go so I can enjoy my weekend.