Daily Hurdles · Work

Clear Skies Ahead, She Said

I survived.  I know I was ranting and raving and being totally irrational, but that was me in that moment.  I am feeling much better.  Training went well, and I can’t wait to be able to walk away from that part of my job.  I will finally have some more time to focus on what I am actually hired for, which will in turn reduce my stress levels.  I truly believe once I start to leave some stress behind I will also leave additional pounds as well.

I was able to walk past those bits of crazy when suddenly new bits of crazy started to rear their ugly heads.  I went to see an old friend today.  It was a quick meet up to drop off some stuff for a really great project he is working on, maybe ten minutes of time I expected to spend with said old friend.  I was a freakin’ wreck thinking of all the ways I could avoid possibly seeing this person, or of what I would say to this person to play off the fact that I am 14 years older and 50 lbs heavier then the last time I had seen him.  Why does it matter?  I have no need to impress this person, yet I kept trying to think of reasons I could avoid seeing him so he wouldn’t see how FAT I am.  WTF?  I POSTED PICTURES OF MYSELF FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!!!!!  Um, dude knows how fat I am and could really care less!  I am the only person who cares.  I need to let go of these narcissistic thoughts.  Good lord!  People are my friends because of who I am, not because of what I look like.

Moments like these are so eye opening to me.  I can’t hide behind alcohol or run to food to make these feelings go away.  I just have to live through them and sort them out in my head.  This shit is hard, no joke!  But it’s Friday, and I am going to let these little crazies go so I can enjoy my weekend.

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One thought on “Clear Skies Ahead, She Said

  1. I can’t help but see some irony here. I’ve pretty much always had a weight problem of some sort, and you certainly were my friend no matter how big I got- and when I would get self-conscious and doubt myself and question the authenticity or kindness of others you were always the first to remind me that others probably weren’t thinking bad things about me and if they were, who cared? I seem to recall a certain night, around, oh, March 13th of 1994, when I hated my body and myself and was terrified at going to a party, and I remember you talking me into it, dragging me out, making me put myself out there despite my worst criticisms of myself, and yes, you know where this is going- I met my husband that night and my whole life changed. I have my husband and my children and my life (possibly, literally) because you made me put on my tights and cutoffs and walk out that door despite my fears, so in the interest of paying it forward I am telling you that whether you are fat or thin, big or small, happy or sad, confident or full of doubt, you are fierce and feminine and a fucking force to be reckoned with, and don’t let yourself walk around with anything less in your thoughts.

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