My Journey

Post Full of Offensive Language and Material – Reader Discretion Advised

Today has been an extremely strange day full of frustration, moodiness, and confusion.  To top it all off, I found myself sitting in the CVS parking lot sobbing about 10 minutes ago.  The only reason I am here now instead of there, was I thought the best thing I could do would be to come home and write about what the fuck I am feeling and to hopefully dissect what the fuck led me to sitting in a CVS parking lot alone, and crying.

Tomorrow is a huge day for me at work.  I have to train someone new.  I fucking hate to train people.  I wish people could start a job and just figure the shit out on their own.  Sadly, that is not life.  I stayed home today to prep for tomorrows training.  I set up a list of everything I need to go over, and then I questioned whether I am throwing too much too soon and then rewrote the days plan.  I pray that we are not expected to sit for a whole eight hours together, because I can’t do that.  I can help people improve on things they already know but need a little guidance on, that is something I can handle.  I just hate training people.  It makes me vomit in my mouth.  I have a huge tendency to stumble over my words and to leave out very important pieces of information.

Then there is the whole bit of wanting to stay home and be with the family.  This weekend sucked balls because my  husband was gone most of Saturday overnight and all of Sunday.  My oldest daughter is gone for the week, but I did have my youngest here with me.  We did things like cook together, and paint nails and lounge around.  But I am always in such a hurry to get to work or freaking out about work that I am hardly ever present with them.  Spending the time I did with Zoe this weekend was just another reminder that I never have really spent time at home, just being a mom.  In this day and age, it’s next to impossible to stay home.  Those who do are so blessed, but I know they give up a lot in exchange to be at home with their kids.  I am pretty freakin’ close to heading to an apartment and giving up a car to stay home and lose the stress of a full time job.

So that’s what was spinning through my head today as I fought to keep myself motivated through the day.  I am completely distracted with thousands of other things as well (perhaps a side effect of not taking my ADD meds) which led me to hopping in the car to drive to CVS at 9pm to get sponges and bleach to clean the sink and the shower doors.  I was not even anywhere close to the sink or shower when these thoughts came to.  I was actually sitting in the living room watching Jim Gaffigan – Mr. Universe and sorting through a box of Zoe’s toys.  And after I went to CVS I sat in the car and thought about the fact that I didn’t want to go home.  I just wanted to be out of the house and maybe have an ice cream.  But then the ice cream turned to bread and dip, and then soup, and then I realized what I was doing and that I really just wanted to eat a lot because I am facing all these emotions that I don’t want to feel and then tears just streamed down my face.  In the car, in the parking lot, at the fucking CVS.

I’m home now.  I texted a few friends who cheered me up.  Well, as much as they can.  I am battling my demons and coming home to write it down in a blog was really a good way for me to exorcise those demons.

(If you are offended my eating disorder jokes, please skip this, but it did put a smile on my face)

Here is one of the texts that pulled me out of the depths of my funk.  I had just told her I was fighting the urge to go binge on ice cream (I left in all her bad punctuation and spelling just to bug her, because I am pretty sure she never thought I would quote her in my blog) :

But should u binge and regret it i will always be there to hold your hair back and shove a toothbrush down your throat…because thats the kind of hardcore supportive best mother fuckin bestie I can be.

-Iarah
One of the best besties a girl could ask for!

 

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3 thoughts on “Post Full of Offensive Language and Material – Reader Discretion Advised

  1. Cheers to you girl. It’s hard to feel emotions. Stress sucks. I run from it, stuff it with crap food…anything but face it. I’m proud of you for facing it, I’m learning to do that. But don’t over think it. It’s late. Never deal with stuff at night when you’re tired. It all becomes overwhelming. Look at it in the bright light of day, and realize it will be fine. It will be over with. It’s merely a matter of hours. Hang in there. You’re so much tougher than you think. 🙂

    1. Running from the stress and emotions is soooo much easier! Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate all the support, especially knowing my odd behaviors aren’t really odd. 🙂

  2. It’s so good that you are learning to seperate emotional urges from actual cravings, even though it doesn’t feel good! I still really struggle during PMS, I just get so freaking HUNGRY and not for carrots. I am not totally sure what your diet rules and restrictions are, but it really helps me to make paleo versions of the crap I crave when I just have to have it. You can put coconut milk in an ice cream maker and make paleo ice cream (I’m not a fan but you might like it, there are lots of recipes online) you can make pancakes with coconut flour (I do this every few weeks when my kids want real pancakes. I put some butter and lots of chopped strawberries on them and they are pretty good) and I have tried a ton of different paleo brownie recipes (I think if you search my blog for paleo brownie you could find links to some of the ones I have tried, most recently I made some pretty good ones with a base of dates). I have to be really careful not to become dependent on these subs but every now and again it’s awesome to have alternatives and it keeps me from sitting in my car outside Target having a meltdown, which I have done on numerous occasions. Sometimes? Sometimes I just eat something “bad” because I want to, and eating something bad doesn’t make me bad. Jack made a chocolate cake from scratch with homemade peanut butter icing on Friday. If you think I didn’t totally tap that you’re kidding yourself. I ate a big moist delicious piece. I fed it to as many people as I could (it was game night) and let Jack and his buddy eat several pieces, and then before I went to bed that night I dumped what was left in the trash can because that’s how I roll and because luckily I have a phobia about touching trash cans which prohibits me from going in after it. To me, it’s become about what’s worth it and what’s not- frommage and crepes at Bleu Boheme with Anna was totally worth it. That cake was worth it. The Jack in the Box grilled cheeseburger I had to have a few weeks ago? Not worth it. Anything you find at CVS? Not worth it. I am not sure where I am going with this except don’t be too hard on yourself but remember most crap isnt worth it and you totally are.

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