Today has been an extremely strange day full of frustration, moodiness, and confusion. To top it all off, I found myself sitting in the CVS parking lot sobbing about 10 minutes ago. The only reason I am here now instead of there, was I thought the best thing I could do would be to come home and write about what the fuck I am feeling and to hopefully dissect what the fuck led me to sitting in a CVS parking lot alone, and crying.
Tomorrow is a huge day for me at work. I have to train someone new. I fucking hate to train people. I wish people could start a job and just figure the shit out on their own. Sadly, that is not life. I stayed home today to prep for tomorrows training. I set up a list of everything I need to go over, and then I questioned whether I am throwing too much too soon and then rewrote the days plan. I pray that we are not expected to sit for a whole eight hours together, because I can’t do that. I can help people improve on things they already know but need a little guidance on, that is something I can handle. I just hate training people. It makes me vomit in my mouth. I have a huge tendency to stumble over my words and to leave out very important pieces of information.
Then there is the whole bit of wanting to stay home and be with the family. This weekend sucked balls because my husband was gone most of Saturday overnight and all of Sunday. My oldest daughter is gone for the week, but I did have my youngest here with me. We did things like cook together, and paint nails and lounge around. But I am always in such a hurry to get to work or freaking out about work that I am hardly ever present with them. Spending the time I did with Zoe this weekend was just another reminder that I never have really spent time at home, just being a mom. In this day and age, it’s next to impossible to stay home. Those who do are so blessed, but I know they give up a lot in exchange to be at home with their kids. I am pretty freakin’ close to heading to an apartment and giving up a car to stay home and lose the stress of a full time job.
So that’s what was spinning through my head today as I fought to keep myself motivated through the day. I am completely distracted with thousands of other things as well (perhaps a side effect of not taking my ADD meds) which led me to hopping in the car to drive to CVS at 9pm to get sponges and bleach to clean the sink and the shower doors. I was not even anywhere close to the sink or shower when these thoughts came to. I was actually sitting in the living room watching Jim Gaffigan – Mr. Universe and sorting through a box of Zoe’s toys. And after I went to CVS I sat in the car and thought about the fact that I didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to be out of the house and maybe have an ice cream. But then the ice cream turned to bread and dip, and then soup, and then I realized what I was doing and that I really just wanted to eat a lot because I am facing all these emotions that I don’t want to feel and then tears just streamed down my face. In the car, in the parking lot, at the fucking CVS.
I’m home now. I texted a few friends who cheered me up. Well, as much as they can. I am battling my demons and coming home to write it down in a blog was really a good way for me to exorcise those demons.
(If you are offended my eating disorder jokes, please skip this, but it did put a smile on my face)
Here is one of the texts that pulled me out of the depths of my funk. I had just told her I was fighting the urge to go binge on ice cream (I left in all her bad punctuation and spelling just to bug her, because I am pretty sure she never thought I would quote her in my blog) :
But should u binge and regret it i will always be there to hold your hair back and shove a toothbrush down your throat…because thats the kind of hardcore supportive best mother fuckin bestie I can be.
One of the best besties a girl could ask for!