Binge Eating · Body Image · Daily Hurdles · Food hurdles

Day 49 – My Name is Gina and I am an Alcoholic and Addict

I had planned on saving this post until the 17th of this month, which will be my 3rd Birthday clean and sober.  Last night I faced my addiction again, however it wasn’t alcohol, drugs, or World of Warcraft.  I binged on food last night, and I was going to hide it until I remembered that would be a huge lie to everyone following me on this journey.  I would also be lying to myself, pretending that everything is OK to those who love and support me would just help me pretend I don’t have a problem that is bigger than diet and exercise.

A few hours after I ate as much food as I could possibly stomach (which I am happy to say is far less than I used to be able to mindlessly shove in my mouth), I emailed Heather and gave her the list of food I ate.  Some of it I had planned and hidden in the back of the refridgerator.  I had told myself I would just give it to the kids or husband later if they were hungry, but I knew I was saving it for me.  Why would i have put it in the drawer at the bottom of the fridge that no one ever looks into?  I ate healthy food too, not just the taco and bean burrito from Taco Bell, but I ate it quickly, mindlessly, and in large quantities.  In addition to the taco and bean burrito I also ate a pint of strawberries, two slices of white bread spread with hummus, a banana and almond butter, a large handful of Cheez-It’s, and the leftover steak from the previous evenings meal.  I have no idea how long it took me to eat those things, but it wasn’t long.  And I didn’t think about anything when I ate the food.  I can’t really say I chewed, because I don’t think there was much chewing involved.

I ate to fill something missing in me, or to hurt myself for my success.  I don’t know exactly why I did it, but I did.  I feel like I am starting over with a new 12 Step Program.  AA/OA’s first step is:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/food — that our lives had become unmanageable.

That’s it.  That is where I am, and by admitting to myself and to all of you that I have a problem will help me beat this addiction.  I know I can do it and I know I am worth the effort I am putting into this life change.  I am worth it and so is my family.

Binge Eating is something that I have been dealing with for several years.  I was in group counseling with a group of men and women who were also Binge Eaters and Compulsive Over Eaters.  The group met on Monday mornings in a town about 45 min away, so I couldn’t continue with the group, but I did get a lot out of those sessions.  I am making a promise to revisit the materials and suggestions that I took from the group, and on those days I am feeling weak I will share some tips and info with you.  I will start tonight:

Success in overcoming eating problems depends on learning to effectively and appropriately handle emotions, specifically: guilt, shame, helplessness, anxiety, disappointment, confusion, and loneliness. People with eating disorders need to learn that success in overcoming eating problems is directly related to experiencing a full range of emotions.  The ups AND the downs.

From the book The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meanlon Emotional Health by Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed

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8 thoughts on “Day 49 – My Name is Gina and I am an Alcoholic and Addict

  1. Not only are you admitting to your addiction, which is huge, these posts are helping so many others…..continue to be proud of you…..

  2. I love you dear, your honesty has always been your best quality. Well that and your’re just so darn cute!

  3. This is powerful. I am amazed by your strength, even when you feel you are at your weakest, you are stronger than most.

  4. Bravo to you for admitting this publicly. Confession: I am a binge eater as well. While the books I’ve read and the work I’ve done in therapy in the year since my divorce help to some extent, it’s still something I struggle with every single day. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office admitting that after a hard day the day before I’d gone home, opened the refrigerator, and consciously thought to myself, “I just want to eat until I feel sick.” Suddenly it dawned on me: “Wait . . . I have an eating disorder. This is an eating disorder.” Stay strong.

  5. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! And so damn brave. It is all a process. Learning, steps back, steps forward. Remind yourself how far you have come. You are such an inspiration. An amazing woman that I feel blessed was able to have in my life during a very crucial period of time. You are so loved!!!!! Keep it up lady. The honesty, the reflection, the hard work. I have no doubt in my mind you will reach your goals.

  6. Today is a new day. I’ve certainly been there with the binging. I used to cheat on my diet, then feel like since I had already blown my plan I might as well binge and quit and go with it, but then Jaysa told me something once that stuck with me- she said “Just because you break one egg doesn’t mean you toss the whole dozen” and now whenever I have a set back I hear that. Don’t dwell on what you did that was unhealthy yesterday, instead focus on what you can do that IS healthy today. Love you.

  7. G, I love you so much!!! You need to know this is just the “human-ness” of you that would happen to ANYONE. I think you are the bravest chick I know! You are so awesome for sharing this(and brave! I don’t think I would have…and I soooooo admire you!) Thank you for sharing your journey…and…..”Don’t Stop Believin’…Hold on to that feelin’….street light, people, oooohhhoooohhhh!”

  8. I think this is awesome that you are being so honest. Binge eating and alcohol are the same things trying to give up. You will never be completely healed of either one. Now that you have 3 years of sobriety just take the binge eating the same way as you did with alcohol. One day at a time better yet one second at a time. Just say NO!!! we are proud of you and good luck.

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