I had planned on saving this post until the 17th of this month, which will be my 3rd Birthday clean and sober. Last night I faced my addiction again, however it wasn’t alcohol, drugs, or World of Warcraft. I binged on food last night, and I was going to hide it until I remembered that would be a huge lie to everyone following me on this journey. I would also be lying to myself, pretending that everything is OK to those who love and support me would just help me pretend I don’t have a problem that is bigger than diet and exercise.
A few hours after I ate as much food as I could possibly stomach (which I am happy to say is far less than I used to be able to mindlessly shove in my mouth), I emailed Heather and gave her the list of food I ate. Some of it I had planned and hidden in the back of the refridgerator. I had told myself I would just give it to the kids or husband later if they were hungry, but I knew I was saving it for me. Why would i have put it in the drawer at the bottom of the fridge that no one ever looks into? I ate healthy food too, not just the taco and bean burrito from Taco Bell, but I ate it quickly, mindlessly, and in large quantities. In addition to the taco and bean burrito I also ate a pint of strawberries, two slices of white bread spread with hummus, a banana and almond butter, a large handful of Cheez-It’s, and the leftover steak from the previous evenings meal. I have no idea how long it took me to eat those things, but it wasn’t long. And I didn’t think about anything when I ate the food. I can’t really say I chewed, because I don’t think there was much chewing involved.
I ate to fill something missing in me, or to hurt myself for my success. I don’t know exactly why I did it, but I did. I feel like I am starting over with a new 12 Step Program. AA/OA’s first step is:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
That’s it. That is where I am, and by admitting to myself and to all of you that I have a problem will help me beat this addiction. I know I can do it and I know I am worth the effort I am putting into this life change. I am worth it and so is my family.
Binge Eating is something that I have been dealing with for several years. I was in group counseling with a group of men and women who were also Binge Eaters and Compulsive Over Eaters. The group met on Monday mornings in a town about 45 min away, so I couldn’t continue with the group, but I did get a lot out of those sessions. I am making a promise to revisit the materials and suggestions that I took from the group, and on those days I am feeling weak I will share some tips and info with you. I will start tonight:
Success in overcoming eating problems depends on learning to effectively and appropriately handle emotions, specifically: guilt, shame, helplessness, anxiety, disappointment, confusion, and loneliness. People with eating disorders need to learn that success in overcoming eating problems is directly related to experiencing a full range of emotions. The ups AND the downs.
From the book The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meanlon Emotional Health by Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed