I’ve missed everything about you. The strength you give me. The feeling of hope that I can do this. The accountability. The things that kept me moving along the path to a healthy life.
So, why do I continue to stray?
Why do I find it so hard to write down my struggles and my successes? I have thought about this over and over again. For the last several months, maybe a year. I ask myself why did I stop? I think it’s because I wasn’t seeing the results I expected and I didn’t want to face that on a blog, where everyone can read about my failure. And once I went down that ugly trail of defeat, I actually became defeated. I have been self sabotaging for the better part of a year. I do really well, I start to gain strength and lose weight and then I slip. And when I slip, I fall hard.
I can’t keep coming back to this blog saying, “Here I am again! Ready to do this!!” when I don’t know if I am ready. I made a commitment to myself and a friend that I will write as much as I can each morning. Like the Morning Papers in The Artist’s Way, except I will need to work my way up to three full pages each morning. I am truly hoping this inspires me to get back to my blog. The joy it brought me, and the encouragement I received to keep going is something I need back in my life.
Also, I fucking hate the way I am feeling. So, maybe if I talk more about the feelings I am having, I will stop sabotaging myself when I am enjoying how I feel.
Cheers. I will be around. I really should blog about my hot yoga experiences. And my Shakeology fun. And how I have been avoiding exercise because it’s HARD AS FUCK to do something that makes your body hurt more than it already does. But those will be topics for another day. Today I just wanted to say, I miss you.
I strayed too long. I was avoiding what was happening. In real life, I was spiraling backwards on my road to a happy, healthy destiny. I was letting my addictive behavior rear it’s ugly head with food.
Food was my release. I was throwing myself, both feet first, into my recovery from drugs and alcohol, but I wasn’t including food as a part of that recovery. Now that I am actually doing my part and working the steps, my eyes are opening. The same feeling of escape I received from drugs and alcohol were being achieved via food. Some food addicts have specific trigger foods. Sugar, pasta, baked goods. My trigger is all food. Do you chew it and swallow it? I will eat it. And I will eat all of it until I snap out of my mindless food binge and realize how sick I am making myself. Then the guilt and frustration cycles through and sends me on another sad pity party.
Positive thoughts and affirmations coming my way. Besides, my sponsor encourages me to journal. I am bad at journaling. I lose my journals and start new ones. This will be the perfect spot to journal. If it’s just too personal, I can make my entry private. Although, for the most part, I am an open book.
Let’s see how this pans out. Time to have a healthy embrace once more. No Maureen, not that kind of embrace…
Don’t worry about me, I’m gonna make it alright
Got my enemies crossed out in my sight
I take a bad situation gonna make it right
In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light
Fall Back Down – Rancid
I love this song. I relate to it differently than the lyrics are meant (it’s about Tim Armstrong’s divorce and how his friends helped get him through it). Regardless, the song still resonates for me. I have had my ups and downs in life. Those horrible bottoms where I never thought I would be able to come back out, but I do. The support of my family and friends has always helped get me through, but more importantly, I empowered myself to get through my darkest hours.
I am feeling strong and happy, and not down in the dumps by any means. Just listening to this song reminded me that I have friends and family who support me, but I am the one who has the power to “take a bad situation, gonna make it right”.
But it would be so much cooler if there was. Or maybe not. But I want to blame the condition of my house on something other than me and my family. Sadly there is not one other person I can point the finger at. The house was clean for a minute. I shoved a majority of my mess into the garage, boxes, and closets. I doubt any of us have touched the crap I shoved away, however things are slowly making their way back into the clean spaces.
Stop stuff. You’re not welcome in there. Go back to your home!
I know, I have to have a chat with myself and the fam about that. Stuff doesn’t just walk itself to it’s proper home. But then again, our stuff doesn’t really have a proper home. And here is where my head spins. I have this crazy idea that if I buy more crap to put my loose crap in that I will have a clean space. Unfortunately, I have tried this tactic multiple times only to find I just have more crap. And then I get all depressed and I feel trapped by the crap. It seems like a never ending cycle.
But we all know I am trying. I intend to take control of my out of control life.
I am starting with clean eating and showing my family the benefits.
Wait, I just read that and I suddenly feel like maybe that isn’t the best option. Perhaps cleaning the house and the front yard would be the better option. And then I wonder why I am thinking about the front yard. And then I remember I want to plant a SUCCESSFUL fruit and vegetable garden this year.
And now I am back to wishing I could blame the ghost of a wildebeest (did you know that’s how it’s spelled?) who was hiding in the corner hanging its head in shame for making such a mess of my home.
Today has been a wackadoo day of crazy in my head.
Good lord, I have a lot to say! And when I get to the point of having a lot to say, I just don’t freaking say anything. So, instead of hiding in a cocoon, I will give some quick bullet points and then hopefully I will come back and fill you in on the details.
-Began garage clean up. Made trip to thrift shop for donations and a trip to the dump. Garage still full and I am at a loss. This weekend I shall make another attempt to get it clean. There has been some progress.
-Easter was a fabulous fun adventure which included an Easter Egg Hunt for the kids around the town where eggs were stolen by Japanese tourists and their small children at Mission San Francisco Solano
-Started the Whole30 and Insanity on April 1st. This topic will get it’s own blog for sure. There is a lot of information and some “before” photos to be posted. Took my measurements and found no significant weight loss since my last official measurement, however I have lost inches! Woop!
-Saw Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess on her book tour in Danville, CA. Yes, Danville. She was amazing and everything fabulous with mashed potatoes on top. It took every bit of everything for me to not skip this because of social anxiety, but as she and another friend promised, everyone in the room would have enough Valium to get me through if it came down to it. (This should probably be it’s own blog, because I can go on and on about this day because it was kind of amazing, and thanks Rachael for coming with me!!)
-It’s time for me to be me here. After hearing Jenny Lawson speak and watching Pintester’s Draw Your Life video, a light went off. I struggle to keep up with this blog because I try to keep myself very clean (very limited bad words) and my thoughts organized. I am not saying I am going to be all profanities all the time, I don’t want to lose the few readers I have, but if I need to say fuck, shit, cock, damn, or vagina I am going to say it without a warning. I am foul mouthed. My family is well aware of this. Not something I am proud of, but a part of me I am not willing to let go. And I like to randomly talk about shit that comes to my mind in the middle of a sentence. Penguins and shit. You know?
Hope all is going well for you my friends! I am feeling pretty damn good right now!
My daughter is a “Beauty & Fashion Guru” who makes videos on YouTube. One of the things she does on her videos are different “Tags”, where one person will complete a video like “What’s in My Purse” and then “tag” other people they want to see do the same video. It’s fun. So, to lighten up my blog after yesterdays heavy post, I decided to do the “What’s in My Purse Tag”.
Meet my happy green Joe Boxer purse from KMart. I liked it because it was green and it was $10. Yay.
In the front pocket of my purse we have:
New car key
scrunchy (I am product of the 80’s)
business cards from New Media Expo
6 Starbucks free pick of the week cards (the holidays are a difficult time to resist Starbucks)
a wadded up tissue
In the next pocket we find:
Blood test and xray results in an envelope
Tamarind candy wrapper (good lord that candy was horrid)
Jack and the Giant Slayer movie ticket (it was great! a little violent, but otherwise a great story. Hello Ewan McGregor!)
Black ball point pen
list of juices from Lydia’s February juice cleanse Lydia’s Gift Card (I have a slight addiction to Lydia’s)
Mary’s Pizza Shack receipt
DB Shoes Receipt
In the last pocket I have stuffed:
The paperwork my doctor gave me before I received the results of my xray for the Rhomboid pain
An appointment reminder
Pumpkin Spice Paleo Krunch (delightful in my almond yogurt)
L’Oreal Infallible 6 hour Lip Gloss in Suede
Revlon Color Stay lip liner in Nude
ballpoint pen from The Rio
Players Club card from Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall & Saloon (sniff sniff…I will miss you Bill’s)
Players Club card from Circus Circus in Reno (It seems I haven’t cleaned out my purse since my trip to Vegas in early January)
Mac Satin Lipstick in Viva Glam II
Bath and Body Works travel hand sanitizer in Frosted Snowberry
2 bobby pins
My car keys with my Pharmica card
There you have it! What’s in My Purse. So, what’s in your purse? I am lucky my purse is pretty compact, but it seems to still have quite a few things over the past several months that I don’t need to carry with me daily. But what do you think I did with everything after I pulled it out? You’re right. Everything is shoved right back where it was found. :)
“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
-Alice in Wonderland
Some days I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Completely upside down and backwards, lost in a place that makes no sense. In my effort to stick with my New Years resolution, I am going to take those feelings and turn them into a positive. I can always go back and retrace my steps, and then I should see where there is another path in the road. I am feeling refreshed and hopeful. I see good things that are just out of reach. But that other path, that other path will take me straight to where I need to be.
It’s going to be great 2013. I can already feel it. Can you?
Walking down the strip in Vegas near Paris and this is what I saw. Were these assholes trying to recreate The Hangover? Wrong sidewalk people. Just thought I would share. I am sure it was just another night in Vegas for the locals, but to me, I don’t see this everyday. If you can’t really see it, it’s just a car on the center divide. That’s all. Nothing flashy and I am sure no one was hurt, just arrested.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I do often admit to having problems, some of them are heavy like admitting I am an alcoholic and addict. Other problems are “First World Problems” like being addicted to apps on my multiple electronic devices. And then some are middle of the road problems, like being a mild hoarder and predictable procrastinator. I have admitted I have those problems multiple times in my life, and yet I ignore that I am falling back into these patterns when I do start show signs of old behaviors. Today, I caught myself and instead of tackling the issue head on, I am procrastinating yet again by making this post. But I am admitting publicly that I indeed have a problem.
Today started out great. Woke up early, played some SongPop (one of my app addictions), talked to the youngest child, watched the birds torment the cats, then decided it was such a beautiful day and my carpets had just been cleaned, I would straighten up around the house a bit. Totally sounds like I have my shit together, right? You are about to see just how wrong in my “clean up around the house” thought process is as I take you on this photo journey.
Here is my daughters room, with beautifully clean carpets. (Thank you Imperial Services for a job well done! If you live in the Sonoma area, I highly recommend them)
So here is where my detour begins. In the clean room, I have decided to vacuum the carpet (which I have vacuumed daily since we had our carpets cleaned on Wednesday) and tidy up the stickers on the wall. Mind you, it is now Sunday. My child has either slept on the floor in the dining room under the table (her choice!!!) or on the couch, waiting to get the room reorganized. That’s fine. Husband and I work different schedules, we need to work together, so tonight we will put the room back together. At least the carpets are cleaned and the walls are ready. Oh, I better empty this vacuum container.
Outside, emptying the vacuum I see the filter should be cleaned. It’s one of those that you rinse to clean, so I pull out the hose to clean it out. While cleaning out the filter I start looking around the backyard and noticed the chairs we had just recently repainted were filthy. I got out my scrub brush and scrubbed those suckers clean.
Now I am a mess of dirt and my pants and shoes are wet, so I need to take a shower. Plus, I have to run out to pick up the oldest child from a sleep over, so I might as well take a short break for now. While I was in the shower I started thinking about how I could make a post out of my successful morning of cleaning and organizing. So when I got back I decided to tackle the next item on my list (which I added to the list when I got out of the shower because it’s right outside my bathroom door) and take a “before” photo with a silly look on my face. You know, because it’s silly and artsy.
And then it hit me. Maybe it was because I feared what the dust up there would do to me, or maybe it was because I freakin’ realized what the hell I was doing. I was avoiding tackling the biggest gawd damn mess in my house. Remember, we recently had the carpets cleaned and there’s all that furniture in places it’s not supposed to be? Shouldn’t I be putting all the furniture back? But that shit’s hard. Look at what I have to face!
OK, I see I am procrastinating, but when I think about it, I really need the husband to help me move that stuff back where it belongs. But how do I explain this:
Or that I have this giant mess in my garage and have had it there for several months:
And now it’s 3:15pm, and the day is gone, so I guess I will just have to do it tomorrow. Or maybe another day next weekend when I have some time. Or maybe someone will just come over and make it all better and then I can maintain the clean, for like a week or two.
OR, I could just admit I have a problem and take care of this shit now.
Hmmm, I need some tea to help me ponder how to tackle all of this.
Today I am mad at myself for so many reasons, but the main thing I am upset about is how I keep letting myself down. I finally climbed back on this scale this morning and saw what my lack of planning, exercising, food journaling, and lack of commitment to a healthy diet has done to me. Sure I whined about my psoriasis and said I would make changes. I said I was totally inspired and back on board after Rachael made her commitment. And yet, I somehow find a way of sneaking CRAP into my mouth. It’s never too much. Just enough to let my spiral begin. I AM SO DONE with doing this to myself. It’s like when I was drinking and I would binge and act a fool and then wake up the next morning swearing to god and all those that are holy that I will never drink again. Well, we all know that took me to my bottom and Alcoholics Anonymous. Thankfully I was able to finally see the effing light and I have over three years of sobriety. Sobriety is something on which I hardly waver. I am always reminding myself the food that I am addicted to is food I don’t need to survive. It’s like poison to my body, and yet, I have a difficult time accepting that fact. I need to EMBRACE this as fact. I can’t scoff at it whenever I feel like eating popcorn or pasta or bread or sugary sweets.
I commit to myself, and to all of you, to make some changes. I commit to finding a middle ground until I can reach my goals. I don’t want to be whining and negative. I commit to finding joy in every day. I commit to be here to listen and to help you make your own personal life commitments. I commit to open my eyes to what I am doing to my health by ignoring my bodies warning signs. I commit to doing one new thing each day and sharing it with you on my Facebook page, no matter how trivial it may be.
Why Commit Now?
In one month I have gained seven pounds. It took me over a month to lose just FOUR of those pounds. Why would I let it just inch it’s way right back onto my belly and thighs? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. But I do know that I am not about to let it happen any longer. I had rid myself of those pounds and I am done with them. It’s time to burn them back off and send their friends (the additional 48 lbs I intend to lose) right off my body with them.
I will own and acknowledge my successes though. When I first started, even way before Project Muffin Top, I weighed in at 233.4 lbs. The highest I have ever been in my life. Even higher than when I was pregnant with either of my children. So, I am happy to say I have lost and kept off 28.2 lbs. Also, if I compare my inches lost, I have lost the following:
Chest – 1″
Bust – 3″
R. Upper Arm – 1″
R Thigh – 1″
Waist – 3″
Hips – 5″ Total inches lost – 14 inches!
So, those are my wins in regards to my weight and size. There are other wins, such as the fact that I have found an answer to my life long struggle with psoriasis. Because I stopped listening to my body and started eating poorly again, my body is screaming out at me and showing me how angry it is.
I am feeling good again, now that I have acknowledged what is happening. I came home and made a meal that I could eat as well as a meal that my family wouldn’t moan and groan over. I am looking forward to a great workout tomorrow that I will push myself to start and finish. I am looking forward to getting myself back to feeling as good as I was just a few short weeks ago. Things are going to be great.
P.S. (For those of you who recognize the title of my blog entry, yes it is the title of an Emily Dickinson poem. I heart her. And, you can read this poem to be about reaching the end of life, but I read it today as being about a crossroad and saying goodbye to old habits.)
Our journey had advanced;
Our journey had advanced;
Our feet were almost come
To that odd fork in Being’s road,
Eternity by term.
Our pace took sudden awe,
Our feet reluctant led.
Before were cities, but between,
The forest of the dead.
Retreat was out of hope,–
Behind, a sealed route,
Eternity’s white flag before,
And God at every gate.