I Stand in the Light

Don’t worry about me, I’m gonna make it alright
Got my enemies crossed out in my sight
I take a bad situation gonna make it right
In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light

                Fall Back Down - Rancid

I love this song.  I relate to it differently than the lyrics are meant (it’s about Tim Armstrong’s divorce and how his friends helped get him through it).  Regardless, the song still resonates for me.  I have had my ups and downs in life.  Those horrible bottoms where I never thought I would be able to come back out, but I do.  The support of my family and friends has always helped get me through, but more importantly, I empowered myself to get through my darkest hours.

I am feeling strong and happy, and not down in the dumps by any means.  Just listening to this song reminded me that I have friends and family who support me, but I am the one who has the power to “take a bad situation, gonna make it right”.

And Then There Was a Ghost of a Wildebeest in My Living Room

Ha, not really.

But it would be so much cooler if there was. Or maybe not.  But I want to blame the condition of my house on something other than me and my family.  Sadly there is not one other person I can point the finger at.  The house was clean for a minute.  I shoved a majority of my mess into the garage, boxes, and closets.  I doubt any of us have touched the crap I shoved away, however things are slowly making their way back into the clean spaces.

Stop stuff.  You’re not welcome in there. Go back to your home!

I know, I have to have a chat with myself and the fam about that.  Stuff doesn’t just walk itself to it’s proper home.  But then again, our stuff doesn’t really have a proper home.  And here is where my head spins.  I have this crazy idea that if I buy more crap to put my loose crap in that I will have a clean space.  Unfortunately, I have tried this tactic multiple times only to find I just have more crap.  And then I get all depressed and I feel trapped by the crap.  It seems like a never ending cycle.

But we all know I am trying.  I intend to take control of my out of control life.

I am starting with clean eating and showing my family the benefits.

Wait, I just read that and I suddenly feel like maybe that isn’t the best option.  Perhaps cleaning the house and the front yard would be the better option.  And then I wonder why I am thinking about the front yard.  And then I remember I want to plant a SUCCESSFUL fruit and vegetable garden this year.

And now I am back to wishing I could blame the ghost of a wildebeest (did you know that’s how it’s spelled?) who was hiding in the corner hanging its head in shame for making such a mess of my home.

Today has been a wackadoo day of crazy in my head.

Catching up

Good lord, I have a lot to say!  And when I get to the point of having a lot to say, I just don’t freaking say anything.  So, instead of hiding in a cocoon, I will give some quick bullet points and then hopefully I will come back and fill you in on the details.

-Began garage clean up.  Made trip to thrift shop for donations and a trip to the dump.  Garage still full and I am at a loss.  This weekend I shall make another attempt to get it clean.  There has been some progress.

-Easter was a fabulous fun adventure which included an Easter Egg Hunt for the kids around the town where eggs were stolen by Japanese tourists and their small children at Mission San Francisco Solano

Zoe looks for eggs in vain in downtown Sonoma.  Thankfully the eggs were untouched every other stop along the way.

Zoe looks for eggs in vain in downtown Sonoma. Thankfully the eggs were untouched every other stop along the way.

-Started the Whole30 and Insanity on April 1st.  This topic will get it’s own blog for sure.  There is a lot of information and some “before” photos to be posted.  Took my measurements and found no significant weight loss since my last official measurement, however I have lost inches!  Woop!

-Saw Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess on her book tour in Danville, CA.  Yes, Danville.  She was amazing and everything fabulous with mashed potatoes on top.  It took every bit of everything for me to not skip this because of social anxiety, but as she and another friend promised, everyone in the room would have enough Valium to get me through if it came down to it.  (This should probably be it’s own blog, because I can go on and on about this day because it was kind of amazing, and thanks Rachael for coming with me!!)

I fought back the fangirl that night, thanked her for following me on Twitter and then posed.  And then sent Rachael back later because I couldn't pull it together to go back and ask her to sign my Nook holder (which she has the very same one!)

I fought back the fangirl that night, thanked her for following me on Twitter and then posed. And then sent Rachael back later because I couldn’t pull it together to go back and ask her to sign my Nook holder (which she has the very same one!)

-It’s time for me to be me here.  After hearing Jenny Lawson speak and watching Pintester’s Draw Your Life video, a light went off.  I struggle to keep up with this blog because I try to keep myself very clean (very limited bad words) and my thoughts organized.  I am not saying I am going to be all profanities all the time, I don’t want to lose the few readers I have, but if I need to say fuck, shit, cock, damn, or vagina I am going to say it without a warning.  I am foul mouthed.  My family is well aware of this.  Not something I am proud of, but a part of me I am not willing to let go.  And I like to randomly talk about shit that comes to my mind in the middle of a sentence. Penguins and shit.  You know?

Hope all is going well for you my friends!  I am feeling pretty damn good right now!

What’s In My Purse – TAG!

My daughter is a “Beauty & Fashion Guru” who makes videos on YouTube.  One of the things she does on her videos are different “Tags”, where one person will complete a video like “What’s in My Purse” and then “tag” other people they want to see do the same video.  It’s fun.  So, to lighten up my blog after yesterdays heavy post, I decided to do the “What’s in My Purse Tag”.

Meet my happy green Joe Boxer purse from KMart.  I liked it because it was green and it was $10.  Yay.

In the front pocket of my purse we have:

New car key
Work keys
scrunchy (I am product of the 80′s)
business cards from New Media Expo
Hair Clip
6 Starbucks free pick of the week cards (the holidays are a difficult time to resist Starbucks)
a wadded up tissue

Keys and scrunchies are necessary for to be in the front pocket for easy access!

Keys and scrunchies are necessary for to be in the front pocket for easy access!

In the next pocket we find:

Blood test and xray results in an envelope
Tamarind candy wrapper (good lord that candy was horrid)
Jack and the Giant Slayer movie ticket (it was great!  a little violent, but otherwise a great story.  Hello Ewan McGregor!)
Black ball point pen
list of juices from Lydia’s February juice cleanse
Lydia’s Gift Card (I have a slight addiction to Lydia’s)
chapstick (mint)
wallet
Mary’s Pizza Shack receipt
DB Shoes Receipt

Tamarind Candy

I must have kept the wrapper to the tamarind candy as a reminder to never put that crap in my mouth again.

In the last pocket I have stuffed:

The paperwork my doctor gave me before I received the results of my xray for the Rhomboid pain
An appointment reminder
Pumpkin Spice Paleo Krunch (delightful in my almond yogurt)
L’Oreal Infallible 6 hour Lip Gloss in Suede
Revlon Color Stay lip  liner in Nude
ballpoint pen from The Rio
Players Club card from Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall & Saloon (sniff sniff…I will miss you Bill’s)
Players Club card from Circus Circus in Reno (It seems I haven’t cleaned out my purse since my trip to Vegas in early January)
Mac Satin Lipstick in Viva Glam II
Bath and Body Works travel hand sanitizer in Frosted Snowberry
2 bobby pins
5 pennies
My car keys with my Pharmica card

Las Vegas Players cards

I NEED my Nevada Player’s cards with me at ALL times.

There you have it!  What’s in My Purse.  So, what’s in your purse?  I am lucky my purse is pretty compact, but it seems to still have quite a few things over the past several months that I don’t need to carry with me daily.  But what do you think I did with everything after I pulled it out?  You’re right.  Everything is shoved right back where it was found.  :)

Alice Found Her Way

“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
-Alice in Wonderland

Some days I feel like Alice in Wonderland.  Completely upside down and backwards, lost in a place that makes no sense.  In my effort to stick with my New Years resolution, I am going to take those feelings and turn them into a positive.  I can always go back and retrace my steps, and then I should see where there is another path in the road.  I am feeling refreshed and hopeful.  I see good things that are just out of reach.  But that other path, that other path will take me straight to where I need to be.

It’s going to be great 2013.  I can already feel it.  Can you?

go ask Alice, Alice when she's 10 feet tall

Feeling a little stretched

WTF Vegas?

Las Vegas, drunk drivers, accident, the strip

Just your typical Sunday night in Vegas

Walking down the strip in Vegas near Paris and this is what I saw.  Were these assholes trying to recreate The Hangover?  Wrong sidewalk people.  Just thought I would share.  I am sure it was just another night in Vegas for the locals, but to me, I don’t see this everyday.  If you can’t really see it, it’s just a car on the center divide.  That’s all.  Nothing flashy and I am sure no one was hurt, just arrested.

 

What’s the 1st Step Again?

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.  I do often admit to having problems, some of them are heavy like admitting I am an alcoholic and addict.  Other problems are “First World Problems” like being addicted to apps on my multiple electronic devices.  And then some are middle of the road problems, like being a mild hoarder and predictable procrastinator.  I have admitted I have those problems multiple times in my life, and yet I ignore that I am falling back into these patterns when I do start show signs of old behaviors.  Today, I caught myself and instead of tackling the issue head on, I am procrastinating yet again by making this post.  But I am admitting publicly that I indeed have a problem.

Today started out great.  Woke up early, played some SongPop (one of my app addictions), talked to the youngest child, watched the birds torment the cats, then decided it was such a beautiful day and my carpets had just been cleaned, I would straighten up around the house a bit.  Totally sounds like I have my shit together, right?  You are about to see just how wrong in my “clean up around the house” thought process is as I take you on this photo journey.

Here is my daughters room, with beautifully clean carpets.  (Thank you Imperial Services for a job well done!  If you live in the Sonoma area, I highly recommend them)

Clean floors, just need to tidy up the walls a bit, maybe vacuum again.

So here is where my detour begins.  In the clean room, I have decided to vacuum the carpet (which I have vacuumed daily since we had our carpets cleaned on Wednesday) and tidy up the stickers on the wall.  Mind you, it is now Sunday.  My child has either slept on the floor in the dining room under the table (her choice!!!) or on the couch, waiting to get the room reorganized.  That’s fine.  Husband and I work different schedules, we need to work together, so tonight we will put the room back together.  At least the carpets are cleaned and the walls are ready.  Oh, I better empty this vacuum container.

Outside, emptying the vacuum I see the filter should be cleaned.  It’s one of those that you rinse to clean, so I pull out the hose to clean it out.  While cleaning out the filter I start looking around the backyard and noticed the chairs we had just recently repainted were filthy.  I got out my scrub brush and scrubbed those suckers clean.

Time to get the backyard ready for the winter, right?

Now I am a mess of dirt and my pants and shoes are wet, so I need to take a shower.  Plus, I have to run out to pick up the oldest child from a sleep over, so I might as well take a short break for now.  While I was in the shower I started thinking about how I could make a post out of my successful morning of cleaning and organizing.  So when I got back I decided to tackle the next item on my list (which I added to the list when I got out of the shower because it’s right outside my bathroom door) and take a “before” photo with a silly look on my face.  You know, because it’s silly and artsy.

I am so perplexed by the mess up there!

And then it hit me.  Maybe it was because I feared what the dust up there would do to me, or maybe it was because I freakin’ realized what the hell I was doing.  I was avoiding tackling the biggest gawd damn mess in my house.  Remember, we recently had the carpets cleaned and there’s all that furniture in places it’s not supposed to be?  Shouldn’t I be putting all the furniture back?  But that shit’s hard.  Look at what I have to face!

Shit. That’s a lot of shit. I think I will just vacuum.

Here’s some more stuff that’s shoved in my kitchen instead of where it should be.

OK, I see I am procrastinating, but when I think about it, I really  need the husband to help me move that stuff back where it belongs.  But how do I explain this:

Kids bathroom, they can clean it.

Or this:

That’s too much stuff to deal with today.

Or that I have this giant mess in my garage and have had it there for several months:

There is a gym in there somewhere!

Sigh…

And now it’s 3:15pm, and the day is gone, so I guess I will just have to do it tomorrow.  Or maybe another day next weekend when I have some time.  Or maybe someone will just come over and make it all better and then I can maintain the clean, for like a week or two.

OR, I could just admit I have a problem and take care of this shit now.

Hmmm, I need some tea to help me ponder how to tackle all of this.

Our journey had advanced

Rant

Today I am mad at myself for so many reasons, but the main thing I am upset about is how I keep letting myself down.  I finally climbed back on this scale this morning and saw what my lack of planning, exercising, food journaling, and lack of commitment to a healthy diet has done to me.  Sure I whined about my psoriasis and said I would make changes.  I said I was totally inspired and back on board after Rachael made her commitment.  And yet, I somehow find a way of sneaking CRAP into my mouth.  It’s never too much. Just enough to let my spiral begin.  I AM SO DONE with doing this to myself.  It’s like when I was drinking and I would binge and act a fool and then wake up the next morning swearing to god and all those that are holy that I will never drink again.  Well, we all know that took me to my bottom and Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thankfully I was able to finally see the effing light and I have over three years of sobriety.  Sobriety is something on which I hardly waver.  I am always reminding myself the food that I am addicted to is food I don’t need to survive.  It’s like poison to my body, and yet, I have a difficult time accepting that fact.  I need to EMBRACE this as fact.  I can’t scoff at it whenever I feel like eating popcorn or pasta or bread or sugary sweets.

END RANT

Commitment

I commit to myself, and to all of you, to make some changes.  I commit to finding a middle ground until I can reach my goals.  I don’t want to be whining and negative.  I commit to finding joy in every day.  I commit to be here to listen and to help you make your own personal life commitments.  I commit to open my eyes to what I am doing to my health by ignoring my bodies warning signs.  I commit to doing one new thing each day and sharing it with you on my Facebook page, no matter how trivial it may be.

Why Commit Now?

Yes, those are my little piggies.

In one month I have gained seven pounds.  It took me over a month to lose just FOUR of those pounds.  Why would I let it just inch it’s way right back onto my belly and thighs? I don’t know.  I don’t have an answer.  But I do know that I am not about to let it happen any longer.  I had rid myself of those pounds and I am done with them.  It’s time to burn them back off and send their friends (the additional 48 lbs I intend to lose) right off my body with them.

I will own and acknowledge my successes though.  When I first started, even way before Project Muffin Top, I weighed in at 233.4 lbs. The highest I have ever been in my life.  Even higher than when I was pregnant with either of my children.  So, I am happy to say I have lost and kept off 28.2 lbs.  Also, if I compare my inches lost, I have lost the following:
Chest – 1″
Bust – 3″
R. Upper Arm – 1″
R Thigh – 1″
Waist – 3″
Hips – 5″
Total inches lost – 14 inches!

So, those are my wins in regards to my weight and size.  There are other wins, such as the fact that I have found an answer to my life long struggle with psoriasis.  Because I stopped listening to my body and started eating poorly again, my body is screaming out at me and showing me how angry it is.

Yes, I have pointy elbows.

Ouch, its starting to crack.

My right hand says “SUGAR SUCKS BALLS”

My left hand said “SCREW YOU GLUTEN”

I am feeling good again, now that I have acknowledged what is happening.  I came home and made a meal that I could eat as well as a meal that my family wouldn’t moan and groan over. I am looking forward to a great workout tomorrow that I will push myself to start and finish.  I am looking forward to getting myself back to feeling as good as I was just a few short weeks ago.  Things are going to be great.

P.S. (For those of you who recognize the title of my blog entry, yes it is the title of an Emily Dickinson poem.  I heart her.  And, you can read this poem to be about reaching the end of life, but I read it today as being about a crossroad and saying goodbye to old habits.)

Our journey had advanced;

Our journey had advanced;
Our feet were almost come
To that odd fork in Being’s road,
Eternity by term.

Our pace took sudden awe,
Our feet reluctant led.
Before were cities, but between,
The forest of the dead.

Retreat was out of hope,–
Behind, a sealed route,
Eternity’s white flag before,
And God at every gate.

Emily Dickinson

Reunion Blues

This coming weekend is my 20 year high school reunion.  I am not going.  The reasons I am not going range from finances to “I DON”T WANNA!”.  The organizers have been persistent in asking me to go, and in some ways making me feel guilty about not yet buying my ticket.   The conversations are almost always the same:

Reunion Organizer: “You are going to the reunion right?”

Me: “Um, I am still thinking about it.”

Reunion Organizer: “It’s going to be fun!  Just go and have fun!”

Me: <with shifty eyes and sweaty palms>  “Well, finances are tough and I don’t know if it’s going to be just me or if my husband is going too.”

Reunion Organizer: “Just get your tickets soon.  Not many people have sent in their money yet.”

Me: “Uh, OK.” <walk away feeling less than welcome and more needed>

I am sure they really do want my smiling face to attend the reunion, but I can’t help feeling like they just need my money to get their party rolling.

Last year I attended the Class of  1991′s reunion.  I helped by checking people in, and was available for any other last minute needs.  I enjoyed seeing people I hadn’t seen in years, but spent most of the evening on the dance floor.  As the night progressed and the party moved on to the bars, I dropped some people off to continue their party and I went home.  I had a great night and rekindled some old friendships.  That night I was jazzed about the possibilities for my own reunion.  I was eager to be part of the planning committee and make the night a memorable one.  One of the organizers started a Facebook group dedicated to our reunion and I saw people jumping in with their own excitement for the reunion.

God bless America, and SVHS.

That excitement totally turned me off.  No longer was I giddy to find the perfect DJ, and photo booth, and location.  I became a silent member of the facebook group, adding people I knew who were on the MIA list, but nothing more.  I started getting sick to my stomach at the thought of trying to make conversation with people I hardly knew any more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look back at high school and think of it as the worst years of my life.  I actually quite enjoyed those years, but there is something in me that makes me feel like I don’t need to go.  Is it my self esteem that is keeping me home?  I don’t know.  Last year when I attended the other reunion I was 20lbs heavier, and yet, I had no issue whatsoever with spending my time there.

Me and Josh, my other high school bff.

I know I will be slightly jealous when the photos start getting posted to Facebook, which makes me think I should go.  But then the cost starts rolling through my head and then I start thinking there is no way I can go with the cost being as much as it is.  I am also remembering seeing a few people who mentioned they would see me at the reunion and feeling excited to see them again when I wasn’t in a rush.  But do they outweigh the nagging feeling in my stomach that makes me just want to stay away?  It’s a battle I have less than 48 hours to fight.

I think one of the biggest reasons I struggle to make the decision to go or not to go is this:

Me and Jenn, my bestest friend in the whole wide world! Prom 1992.

My bff will not be attending the reunion.  She lives in San Diego and won’t be able to make the trip up here to Sonoma for the party. Without her here, it just wouldn’t be the same.

I am still unsure of myself and if I will be attending.  I know I will have fun if I just let go of whatever the hell is holding me back.  I just need to do it.

Days Go By…

There are days I sit around and think of fabulous content to share on this blog, and then those days pass, and I am like “damn, that is old news now, guess I better think of something else to share.” Riddle me this? If these are all thoughts in my own freakin’ head, how the hell is it old news?  I haven’t shared even and inkling of the thought with y’all, so am I just being lazy?  I certainly don’t believe I am, but all reasoning seems to direct me right back to that answer.

How the heck do I remedy this?

Um…

Let’s see…, maybe…

Dammit, I can’t think of anything right off that will help keep me focused on getting to regular blogs.  I do really enjoy blogging.  I find I am far more successful in sticking to my lifestyle changes when I blog about them.  And maybe that’s what will help me stick to my blogging.  I just reread the beginning of this paragraph and saw what I believe is my issue.  I am having issues with focus, and I haven’t been as diligent with my diet, and I am no longer taking my ADD medication because when I was diligent with my diet I was able to get off all medication.  And I was able to focus.  I was also able to lose weight (the topic of my next blog I think).

So here we go again, I need to embrace the fact that I am not 100% better and able to control my eating and other healthy life practices without diligent recording of said data.  I am already entering all the information into the BodyMedia website (part of the next blog topic) so why am I not sharing the info that it gathers for me right here?

OK, I just looked at the reports it generates, and they are pretty awesome to look at, but probably a little too much info for the blog.  But I am thinking I can still share a summary of my day with you.  I have only been wearing the BodyMedia Fit armband since August 8th.  So the following is a summary of the last 12 days:

AVERAGE Calories Burned: 2,810 (My daily goal is to burn 3,050 cal a day)

AVERAGE Calories Consumed: 2,107 (My daily goal is to consume at least 1,850 cal a day)

AVERAGE Calorie Balance: 703 Calorie Deficit (I want to have at least a 1,200 cal deficit a day to lose about 2lbs a week, for now, not forever)

AVERAGE Min of Moderate Physical Activity: 52 min (my goal is 45 min, so YAY!)

AVERAGE Number of Steps: 6,714 (My daily goal is 10,000 steps per day.  Way under my goal here)

AVERAGE Sleep Duration: 7 hours (Goal is obviously 8 hours, but 7 hours isn’t too bad.  I will tell you more later, but this system monitors my sleep through the night and I can see moments of restlessness as well as when I get some good solid sleep in)

The report has all these bar graphs that break down the details as well, and even shows me where my calories are coming from.  Look at my fancy pie chart on where my calories are coming from.

My Nutritional Pie Chart…mmmm pie.

Alright folks, that’s if for now, but I needed to hit my reset button on logging my foods and progress.  Looking forward to seeing how this minor change can make a major difference for me.